


(Not) Completely Okay

by IHaveNoClueDude



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I just love my tech dudes okay?, Mentions of Death, Mostly because reader's gender is never mentioned..., Multi, Other, Pre-Kingsman: The Golden Circle, Slightly more emotional Merlin than usual, Some mentions of small amounts of blood, Spoilers for first kingsman movie, gender-neutral
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25758463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IHaveNoClueDude/pseuds/IHaveNoClueDude
Summary: Hamish is caught in quite a vulnerable state by his partner, sitting down in their sofa, blood splatter on his shirt and a gun in his hand. It's as good as any time to finally explain his real job and see how it all works out.This is basically about Merlin (Hamish) telling reader what Kingsman actually is (though that’s not explained within the one shot) and features what his partner could be thinking during the experience (I can’t truly say this is realistic though but y’know, fanfiction). This has also been uploaded on Tumblr with the same username (ihavenocluedude) and the same work title. This is basically some time inbetween the two movies as I have it pictured but ye. Thanks for maybe reading this! Hope you like it!
Relationships: Merlin (Kingsman)/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	(Not) Completely Okay

“Hamish?” You called out into the apartment as you came home, it wasn’t unusual for it to be met with silence. But silence was very unusual if he _actually_ was there. 

Usually there’d be some music playing softly as he made dinner for the two of you, or he’d simply shout that he was _‘in here!’_ from wherever in the flat he was. Hamish works a lot so he’s not at home all the time, his work is after all very demanding, you had gotten quite used to it by now. Of course you sometimes lied and said that it was _completely okay_. Missing your boyfriend all the time didn’t feel _completely okay_ , if anything it was tolerable at most.

Finding your boyfriend in the living room with a gun? Extremely worrying and _not at all ‘completely okay’._

Normally Hamish was almost always calm and collected, everything under control. However at this very moment he seemed to be trembling, clutching his head as he leaned forward, resting his elbows onto his knees, the gun still in his hand. Not to speak about the small amount of blood splatter he had on his shirt and skin.

“What the hell is going on?” It came out sharper than you wanted, sure the situation called for a slight what-the-fuck tone but looking at Hamish who looked completely broken as is... It felt way too harsh, you could sense the frazzled state, you could see how his body _trembled_. _“Hamish?”_ Trying to put on a somewhat softer tone, slowly walking over to the man and putting your hand on his shoulder felt like the right thing to do. However it made you jolt up when he seemed to snap out of the daze he had been in.

_“Sweetheart,”_ He almost seemed shocked that you were home, looking up at you “-It’s… I need to tell y’ something.” His stumbling voice only worried you more, you thought you’d seen Hamish in every single mood you could see someone in. But this seemed unexplored to you, it was unexpected. You’ve known him for so long, you’ve loved him for so long that this almost makes him seem like someone else. “Sit down, please.” 

You should run, you really should. But it was Hamish, sitting there in front of you asking you to please sit down and listen to whatever the hell had seemed happen inside your shared home. So you did, you sat down, took a deep breath and looked at the man you love, who at the moment barely seemed like him.

When Harry, one of his closest friends had died, you had heard him repeating a phrase in a whisper a couple times ‘no time for emotion’. It was a thing you had repeated in your head since in confusion, Hamish has always been a very collected person, someone who almost seems to excel in stressing moments if anything. You weren’t that shocked but of course very worried when you heard the phrase. You had tried to bring it up but Hamish didn’t seem to want to talk about it. 

But during all of that time he seemed to shut off slightly, the ‘no time for emotion’ seemed to be for every feeling. So to say that seeing him in this state was shocking? Yeah that was a bit of an understatement. 

“So…” Hamish began before he himself noticed that he was still holding the gun, looking at it wide eyed before setting it down on one of the tables nearby “I have a lot t’ explain sweetheart.” Giving you a weak smile and taking one of your hands in both of his, trying to keep the eye contact as he began describing his _‘real’_ job. You knew he worked tech for some company and so on, however this was way different from what you thought he did. 

And the gun and the blood splatter described something _more_ than what he was telling you at the moment. The missions, the agents in general, how Harry had actually died and who Harry really was, how the whole Valentine thing had happened and everything. 

“Hamish? What about the… uhm t-… _the gun?_ And the…” You asked him and gestured towards the small blood splatter on his shirt that your eyes had locked onto for the last few seconds. You hadn’t known that Hamish had risked his life almost every day at work, that the small business trips were really missions that he had to help with on-site, that when he said good bye every morning; _it could be the last time._

He seemed almost confused at your reaction. Trying to look calm and collected but at the same time quite obvious about your real reaction. Your hands-no your whole body was shaking, your eyes looked slightly watery and you had crossed your arms in front of you by now. 

“I had to go on a mission today... It was... Well it didn’t go well.” 

“No shit Sherlock.” You let out a small chuckle before instantly shaking your head and putting your free hand over your face. This really wasn’t the time for a chuckle or jokes.

” _Don’t_ leave... I’ll never let anything happen to y’.”

“You’ll never let anything happen to me? How can I trust that, Hamish?” Your eyes met his again finally “The only thing I can trust is that I love you too much to let you go-Fuck, look I need some time to process this.” Your voice was shaking as you tried to make up your mind yourself. It was hard even picturing Hamish with a gun even if one sat right beside him. He isn’t some fucking James Bond or anything, he’s just your Hamish. Sure he was always very charming, he was always very well dressed and sure the way he moves was very... smooth?-Ugh 

You couldn’t rely on your scrambled mind to make a steady, reliable answer to this whole situation. Your tornado of thoughts spinning from one thing to the next. _How many people has he actually killed? Is it safe in here? Who’s blood is on his shirt? What the fuck happened tonight to make him react like this?_

“Is it even safe in here?” You asked, trying to turn the tornado of thoughts into something useful, information. Pointing towards the gun on the table as to make a follow-up question, the gun still within reach of Hamish and his slender hands. That you thought _only_ fixed IT problems, messaged you love-letters through texts when he worked late, massaged your neck when it was sore and could make a _killer_ meal.

“Yeah, it is now.” His accent and voice seemed rougher and it didn’t really help that he said _now_. As if it had been dangerous just moments before you walked into your home, your supposedly _safe_ home.

“I love you.” He spoke softly, practically whispering. Taking one of your hands in his once again as you stood up from the couch, he kissed your knuckles gently before letting you walk up to the usually shared bedroom. Hamish had decided for himself though that he’d sleep down there for tonight however, almost like a guard dog. In case the problems from earlier popped up again...

\--- --- ---

The morning after felt awkward, two people keeping each other at a distance out of some sort of fear. Hamish was afraid of going too close, scaring you or losing you just because he told you. He had waited for so long to tell you and this hadn’t been the way he wanted to tell you. But of course there was some big fuck up and he had returned exhausted with the blood splatter still on him. The gun he could’ve hid. Maybe it had been intentional he wondered to himself, maybe he’d pretended to himself that he forgot just so he could just finally tell you. 

Your fears? _Who knows,_ your mind still felt scrambled. What were you going to do? Ask him to quit his job? You couldn’t do that, the way he spoke about his job yesterday just confirmed that he loves it. Sure you used to ask him about his job before and he seemed to love it, but before last night he’d lied about what he truly did during his workdays. He didn’t just fix some computer for some guy in finance. So what would you do, would you just leave him?

_Leave Hamish?_ And what for? He told you that the only one who knew about you two, or you at all, had been Harry. Hamish is clearly trained so needless to say, you would be safe with him if you decided to stay. So what? Leave him because you’re scared of losing him? Pushing him away because you’re scared that you’ll come home and find true silence, you would anyway if you kept pushing him away. 

“Hamish?” Your voice came out rather weakly, as it had been one of the first sentences of your day. His head turned so quickly that you heard a small stretching crack from his neck. _“I love you.”_ You simply told him, having your answer decided in your head. The hug he embraced you in held all the fears of maybe losing you, you could _barely breathe_ but it was _completely okay_. 

**Author's Note:**

> Dude, I have not posted any of my writing since like 2015 (though I've been writing during the little break) my writing used to be so shitty so I really hope I've improved. I mean I really almost gagged reading my old X-men fanfiction earlier so yep... PLEASE give me feedback. 
> 
> (Also I'm afraid that Merlin/Hamish might've been a bit OOC in this because of emootioons, but hey I mean the guy has to show emotion on occasions where he's sober and with his loving partner dudes.)


End file.
